masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
