It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
