i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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