But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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