the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
