i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Randomize
