my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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