Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I came so hard my ears popped.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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