i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
