in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
