mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
