I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
