I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
