so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
