walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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