have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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