I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
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You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
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No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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