Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
