i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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