I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
