Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize