Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
