I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Randomize
