i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
