Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
