i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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