He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
