I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Come see our sink grown plant.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
