He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
