I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
