Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
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