Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize