i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
