Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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