apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
