i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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