yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
