White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Randomize
