Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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