FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
