So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
