he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
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