I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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