lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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