Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
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