If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Randomize
