i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
