if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
What a fucking waste of an outfit
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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