seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Randomize
