Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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