my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
