So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
