I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
