phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
