wanna go halves on a baby?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
