I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
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